I became aware of the problem when my teaching assistant told me that despite her admonishments, every single day Damian seems determined to make a huge mess of his sandwich.  She described that first, he pulls it all apart.  Then he takes each separate ingredient (bread, ham, cheese slice, lettuce) and drags it around his Kindergarten placemat creating big greasy smears.  Sometimes, my assistant said, she can get him to eat little bits of cheese or maybe ham, but that’s it; most often he just plays with his food.  When he gets tired of playing with it, he takes what is left and squeezes it tighter and tighter into a disgusting little ball, which he sneakily throws in the garbage when she’s not looking.

Especially bothered by the fact that whenever she speaks to him about it, Damian becomes extremely sullen and shoots her dirty looks, she said she’s given up trying to get him to eat.  She asked if I could speak to him about his behavior and make him put the remains of his sandwich back into his lunch kit––instead of the garbage––so Debbie, his new foster mom will know that he isn’t eating properly and is wasting good food.

So the next day at lunchtime I watched––and saw that what she said was true.  Damian did indeed systematically destroy a healthy and delicious looking sandwich, lovingly prepared for him by his foster mom.  What confused me though was the look on his face.  Despite the fact he didn’t see me watching and no one else was telling him to stop what he was doing, he didn’t seem to be playing.  He actually seemed to be trying to accomplish something, growing increasingly more angry as time went on.  Since it wasn’t apparent to me what he was doing, I decided just to ask him to tell me what was up.  But talking to Damian is no easy feat.  Sometimes he refuses to talk at all and sometimes he will try to speak but if the listener has trouble understanding he begins growling instead (literally!)

It took a bit of persistence, but gradually by asking quite a few questions and eventually deciphering his replies, I came to understand.  Damian really hates mustard!  In his own 5 year old way, he was doing the best he could to try and solve his problem; wiping his sandwich parts across his placemat in an effort to remove the hated yellow stuff so he could eat his lunch!  Because I wasn’t emotionally involved at all, it was fairly easy to figure out what was really happening and deal with it.  I explained that as a temporary solution we could use a knife to scrape the mustard off and then, after school we could really solve the problem.  He could let Debbie,  know that he didn’t like mustard.  He could ask her to just use the mayonnaise.

What looked like misbehavior wasn’t that at all!  And the sliver lining to this cloud is that this incident has really helped Damian move forward in other situations too.  Now when we see him getting angry, we are able to remind him how the lunch problem was solved.  Because the mustard experience ended successfully, he is far more willing to believe that talking can actually work for him––as long as he doesn’t give up and remains willing to keep the communication going.

Turns out that every night Debbie asks Damian if he wants mustard on his sandwich just like his older sister, Connie.   Up until recently he always answered yes.  Either he wanted to be just like his older sister––he adores her!––or he had no idea what “mustard” was!

I love the question suggestions in the DWS book, but like the author said, it’s a skill that takes practice. I usually need a lot of practice and that means I’ll need the questions nearby to refer to often. I just don’t understand how teachers remember everything!

RESPONSE:

The questions in Dr. Marshall’s book are meant to be examples only––they’re not meant to be memorized––so you don’t have to worry about that. However, I can understand what you mean about having a lot to remember!

At first, it does seem as if you have to remember everything, but as you practice, it gradually becomes second nature to follow the Teaching Model. That’s why I encourage people to think of learning to implement the DWS approach as a journey.

Each part of the Teaching Model requires first, understanding, and then practice on the part of the teacher.  Remember, since it’s impossible to control other people, you’re changing yourself––in order to better influence students in a positive direction.  Changing oneself can often be challenging!

Asking reflective questions is now easy for me but in the beginning it wasn’t. My teaching partner actually wrote two large charts displaying the questions in Dr. Marshall book (from pp. 19-21,) and put them up on the wall for us to refer to when we needed them. Of course, we teach grade one; the kids couldn’t read the questions in the beginning of the year so it worked well for us to have these prompts right up on the wall!  I do know of other teachers on the DWS mailring who simply xeroxed off the list of questions from the book and carried them with them as they were teaching.

It doesn’t hurt for there to be a pause (as you think of what to ask,) when you’re dealing with a child in a discipline situation. During that pause (while you are thinking,) the child is naturally already thinking about their behavior too!

Another thing my partner did was to challenge herself  to spend one entire day responding to almost anything a child said, with a question.  She found that this successfully helped her to develop the habit of asking instead of telling.  Whenever a child said anything, she would try to find a way to respond with a reflective question.

For example:

• If a child said (as they often do in Grade One,) “I found a staple on the carpet,” she would say, “What do you think would be the best thing to do with it?”  Of course they knew!
• If a child said, “Which math questions do I need to do?” she would respond with “Where could you find that information on the board?”
• If a child didn’t know what to do next (because they weren’t listening for directions,) she would ask, “Who, in the class might know what to do? How could looking at that person help you?”
• If a child left their coat on the floor, she would ask them, “Do you see anything in the coatroom that you need to do something about?”
• If a child said, “Can I be finished my work now?”  she would ask, “Would you say you’ve done a complete job on this assignment, or would you say that you need to do more to make it complete?”

This constant practice got her in the swing of making it a habit to ask questions more often. From there she found it became easier to ask questions in discipline situations too.

It’s really a case of learning to “bite our teacher tongues!” As teachers––so accustomed to teaching and telling––it’s hard to get in the habit of not blurting out whatever we think of saying. We often try to tell kids the answers to all their problems. But once you see how effective it is for kids to think of their own solutions, you’ll find it easier to ask questions that get them thinking for themselves!

A related posting:

Can you give me some examples of reflective questions?

Sometimes I have trouble choosing the right words.  I usually always ask a question though.  For example I might ask,  “Why are you talking during this lesson?“ or “Why are you choosing to play with your pencil instead of listening?”

DR. MARSHALL’S RESPONSE:

Never ask “Why?”  It is accusatory.

And besides people often do not know why they do things.  Even if they could, they may not want to tell you the real reason.

If you are just curious ask, “Why did do X rather than Y?”  You may still get, “I don’t know.”

The point:  Forget the use of “Why?”

A related posting:

Can you give me some examples of reflective questions?

Today was the first day of school and I had quite a hard time with my first graders. I’m trying not to give consequences but my students did not respond very well when I asked them to identify their levels.  I also had a hard time coming up with questions to ask them when they were misbehaving.

RESPONSE:

Here’s a thought or two:

• At this very early point in the year, when the children have only just been introduced to the Hierarchy, don’t even ask them what level they are on.  Instead, maintain a teaching mindset.  Keep your focus positive and constructive.  Re-teaching procedures will improve just about any situation in the early weeks and months of grade one.  The post, “Difficulties on the first day of school” gives more information on this topic.

• If you feel you need to practice the skill of asking reflective questions, here’s a way to do that:   Try to respond to any question or comment from a student by asking a question of your own.  This is like taking a crash course in reflective questioning!  You will move your skill level along very quickly by challenging yourself in this way.  Think of it as a game!  Darlene, my teaching partner, and I tried this once.  We challenged ourselves to get through an entire morning by responding to students with questions only.

Child says:  Teacher, here’s a staple on the floor.
Teacher responds: What would be the best thing to do with that?

Child says: I want to eat two things for snack (when the directions were to eat just one.)
Teacher responds:  How will you feel at lunch time when you don’t have much left to eat?

Child says:  My pencil broke!
Teacher responds: What’s our procedure for getting a new pencil?

Child says:  Can I have that extra jelly bean leftover from the graph we made?
Teacher responds: How would the other kids feel if one child had more jelly beans than everyone else?

Child says: Can we go home soon?  Is school over yet?
Teacher responds: Sounds like you have plans for after school.  What are you going to do when you go home?

• When we first tried using DWS in our classroom, Darlene and I often carried a page of questions with us in the classroom.  We even wrote the questions from Dr. Marshall’s book on charts and put them high up on the wall––that way we could refer to them whenever we needed to.  Since our grade one students couldn’t read them in September, they didn’t pay any attention to them.  These charts helped us a lot until the skill of reflective questioning became more automatic for us.

A related post:

Can you give me some examples of reflective questions?

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This past Monday morning when it was time to go to the gym for our regular Monday morning assembly, Cody had a photograph that a parent must  have given him outside; likely it was a snapshot of a birthday party that he had attended recently.  Being focused on the urgency I felt about getting to the assembly on time, I didn’t notice how much this photo seemed to have captured Cody’s attention.  As a result I got myself into a power struggle with him over putting it away.  I’m embarrassed to say it just got worse and worse!  Eventually it came to a point where I (stupidly) said that he couldn’t take the photo to the gym and from there, the situation really went downhill!

In hindsight, it would have been much smarter to spend just one moment longer to look at the photo with him, admire it, share his pleasure and then make the suggestion that it would be a wise move to put such a precious photo safely into a backpack.  But as they say, hindsight is 20/20!

Angry that I had told him to put the photo away, Cody refused to come to the gym.  To drive the point home, with great determination he ripped up his precious photo in my face.  Thanks to DWS, I was able to send the other kids off to the gym unescorted, explaining: Cody really needs me to talk to him right now. Do you think you can make it to the gym on Level D, all by yourselves?”

I asked Cody, “Who did you hurt by ripping up your photo?”  At first he said, “You made me do it!  It’s your fault!”  I ignored this and asked again:  “Who have you hurt by ripping up your nice picture?”    Well,  we went around in circles for a bit, but a moment later when I elaborated (“Who have you really hurt here?  Who’s the person who really cares about this picture?  Me or you?”) I saw a click happen in his brain.

He suddenly realized that indeed, he was the one who had been hurt by his actions––his picture was destroyed.  He became sullenly silent and started to walk with me to the gym.  When we got there he saw an opportunity to be uncooperative and said, “I’m not going in.  I’m going to stay right out here in the hall.”

Rather than get into another power struggle I said, “I can’t make you come in but I can’t leave you out here by yourself either.  I want to go in because I know the Grade 6′s are singing today and I want to see them.  I’ll just ask Mrs. Smith (an aide) to come and stand with you.”  Well, I’d piqued his curiosity with talk of the singing; he decided he would come in.

But before we got down the four stairs into the gym, he said to me,  “I’m not going to sit with the class.  I’m going to sit by you.”  So we stopped right there at the front of the gym and I said,  “I can’t make you sit with the rest of the kids, but you should know that if you sit beside me, away from the other kids in Grade One, all the people in the gym are going to be looking at you.  They’re going to wonder why you’re sitting with your teacher instead of with your class.  Is that what you want?”

Undaunted and still feeling contrary he said, “Well, I am going to sit with the class but I’m going to curl up in a ball on the floor,” to which it was easy to reply.

“I can’t make you sit up like all the other kids but if you curl up in a ball then everyone is really going to be looking at you and wondering what you’re doing––because that’s quite an unusual thing to do.”  He didn’t say anything more and just went to sit down––upright and in his proper place.

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Here’s what I learned that day:

1. It’s important to take time to give genuine personal attention to a child who needs it in the moment, and;

2. There’s great value in responding calmly to a child who is angry––by pointing out choices and asking reflective questions.

I once had a grade 8 student who said, “It doesn’t matter what level I say I’m on, you’re always going
to find a way to tell me that I’m on an unacceptable level.”

I’m wondering what a teacher might say in response to something like that?

A response from Tammy
Shared on the DWS Mailring:

I’d probably ask, “Can you show me, then, how the behavior fits into a higher level?

Language is my biggest stumbling block. I know what I want to say but on the spur of the moment I often find it hard to put into words. As I develop new habits with this discipline approach, I sometimes feel a bit tongue-tied. Can you give me some examples of questions that don’t sound manipulative or coercive.

RESPONSE:

Developing new habits can be a challenge at first, but remember that any skill gets easier with practice! There are many questions in Dr. Marshall’s book that can be used to prompt reflection (pages 19-20.)

It’s important to remember that tone of voice is very important when asking questions, so as to avoid any sense of sarcasm or coercion.

Here are some questions my teaching partner and I have used in the past. They may be helpful to you:

• Is this going to get you what you want?

• Is this going to move you forward?

• Is what you’re doing helping you move forward… or backward?

• Does it feel as if were moving forward here, or does if feel as if we’re stuck? What would you have to do if you wanted to move forward in this situation?

• What can I do to help you?

• Are you going to let this _____ (situation, person, problem, setback, disappointment etc.) hold you back?

• Are you going to be able to rise above this (situation? disappointment? etc.)

• Look at _______’s face. How is he/she feeling right now as a result of (what you have done/said)?

• When you do this are you you making a friend–or pushing a friend away?

• What would a ________ (mature, kind, reliable, responsible, extraordinary) person do now?

• Now that you’ve __________, how could you repair the situation?

• Think for a moment. When you _____________, what kind of a relationship are you creating with ________ (me? the Noon Hour Supervisor? other kids? the adults in the school?)

• What kind of impression are you making on all the people here, when you _______? Is this the impression you want to make?

• Can you picture yourself doing_______ ( a very specific procedure)?

• When you __________, what pictures are you creating about yourself in the minds of your (friends? teachers? adults in our school?)

• Is what you’re doing going to make you happy in the long run? Is there a happier choice? (Thanks to Dan Gurney for this question.)

• Here’s an opportunity for you to ___________ (act on a high level, try a new challenge, be a kind friend, show some initiative, act with self-discipline etc.)

• If you continue down this path, of doing what you’re doing, what will likely happen/result?

• Would you like an opportunity to do that again, at a higher level?

• Would you be willing to try that again at a higher level?

• Would you be kind enough to allow ________ the opportunity to try that again at a higher level?

• If you feel you can’t do any more right now, when do you plan to get your work done?

• Is what you’re doing __________ (safe? on a high level? kind? appropriate? helpful? respectful?)

• How might you feel if someone else did that to you?

• Think to yourself of someone in our class who generally operates on a very high level. What would that person do now, in your situation?

• Who do you want to be in charge of you? Who do you want to be your boss?

RESPONSE:
Student self-assessment is one of the key features of the DISCIPLINE without STRESS approach, however, I prefer to teach children to assess themselves–not every DAY–but EVERY MINUTE of the day! What does this mean?

It means that I want them to become more aware of their own behaviour and choices from MOMENT to MOMENT. I want to encourage them to use CHOICE-RESPONSE THINKING in combination with the Hierarchy to take responsibility for their actions–one action at a time. I find that this approach provides a greater opportunity for success than trying to look at improving an ENTIRE day at a time. And of course it follows that if we concentrate on improving our life moment by moment, eventually the days improve too!

Another consideration is the fact that in asking students to assess themselves for the purpose of reporting to parents, we may very well affect their willingness to evaluate their own behavior honestly. I personally prefer to have a student do this type of personal evaluation inside their own head–without asking them to share their thoughts with others. I believe that this approach greatly increases the chance that the student will examine their own actions with honesty. Honest evaluation often leads to positive change.

Dr. Marshall’s Hierarchy of Social Development is a wonderful tool for encouraging students to look honestly at choices in all areas of their lives. With an understanding of choice-response thinking, young people become aware that a conscious choice to operate at the higher levels is always an option—an option that results in powerful feelings of personal satisfaction and a greater sense of self-control. In an academic setting, this naturally leads to a desire to improve and to achieve academically.

Here is one example of how my partner and I use the DISCIPLINE without STRESS approach to help students make progress academically–in this case, with regard to spelling. Using the Hierarchy, we find that we can concretely show our students how they can CHOOSE to become better spellers. We begin by using the basic framework of the Raise Responsibility System Hierarchy to create a new hierarchy related specifically to SPELLING and tailored to our own particular classroom practices.

Just as it is most effective to ask students to do their own thinking in a discipline situation (as opposed to the teacher simply telling the students what the teacher thinks), it is similarly effective in an academic situation to “ask,” rather than “tell.” In accordance with the PRINCIPLE of REFLECTION, we often guide our students to create an “academic hierarchy” for a particular subject area, by ASKING questions that enable students to come up with descriptors for each of the applicable levels. Sometimes we record the descriptors for later reference, but more often than not, the exercise simply takes the form of an oral discussion.

Here is an example of a “spelling hierarchy” developed orally in our primary classroom:

Level D (Motivation to become a good speller is INTERNAL)
• Attempts to look critically at his/her own writing in order to find spelling errors.
• Independently uses the words, spelling lists and spelling cues posted on the classroom walls.
• Tries out different spelling patterns independently before asking for help
• Remembers having seen the word somewhere (possibly in a book) and looks it up to copy correct spelling.
• Uses a primary dictionary.

Level C
Does all of the above but with one important difference–the motivation to spell correctly is EXTERNAL. In other words, a student at this level, WAITS until a teacher points out that a word is spelled incorrectly before trying to fix it, or waits until being REMINDED before thinking to look for words on the wall or in a book etc.

Level B
• doesn’t make any attempt to be careful with spelling when writing
• doesn’t make use of the words on the wall, spelling lists, dictionary etc.
• doesn’t bother to proofread

Level A
Not applicable in a discussion of academics

As in any DISCIPLINE without STRESS Hierarchy discussion, a critical point to highlight is the difference between Levels C and D—a difference in the source of motivation only. As teachers, my partner and I want to encourage our students to take care with spelling and become increasingly more responsible about looking critically at their own completed work–with an eye to finding their OWN spelling errors, without a teacher necessarily being present.

Having taken time to build a hierarchy related to spelling, we then proactively refer to it whenever we begin a writing activity with our students. At the start of any writing lesson, we VERY QUICKLY review ONLY the two higher levels and prompt the students to reflect on the benefits of operating at the highest level–improved spelling performance and an internal sense of pride and satisfaction!

Following the writing activity, we ask them to once again, silently REFLECT for a moment–this time focusing on their personal level of operation with regard to spelling in the lesson that has just passed. We find that over time, this process of prompting reflection in connection to an academic subject, both before and after lessons, motivates students to WANT to improve their academic performance.

Other sample academic hierarchies are available on Dr. Marshall’s website.

DR. MARSHALL’S RESPONSE:
Here is a suggestion:

Give students a 3 x 5 inch card and have them put down the grade each thinks he/she deserves. If you want to tie it into the hierarchy from this discipline system, use:

1 = Anarchy/Bullying – regularly disturbing the class

2 = Cooperation – regularly following class expectations

3 = Democracy – regularly acting in a responsible manner without being asked

Have each student present his/her card to you. Accept their self-evaluation or explain to the student why you differ. The vast majority will agree with your assessment, leaving you time to spend with those who differ.