By starting home phone calls so quickly, she generally has only positive comments to make––usually kids are on their best behavior on the first days of school!  This gets her off on the right foot with the parents of these kids.  Not only does she gain insight from the parent’s perspective regarding each child, this first phone call puts the parents in a positive frame of mind toward the teacher. Many parents have never received such a phone call or ever been asked how their child feels about coming to school. They immediately feel connected to a teacher who is showing interest in the parent’s viewpoint.  Often, the parents themselves will then bring up behavior concerns they have at home which easily opens the doorway for future productive communication about what is happening at school.

By keeping in close contact and phoning about only positive things very early in the year, she establishes strong relationships with these families.  The parents know that she likes their child. Then, when that inevitable problem comes, she’s already established that she’s interested in the welfare of the child.  Parents see her as an ally, not an enemy. She gets incredible support. She can be honest and frank but the parents know that she wants the very best for their child.

Another thing she began to do last year––and I followed suit because I saw it brought such great benefits in creating a positive relationship with parents––is phoning each time a child goes up a reading level after a leveled book test. Often we phone at noon and simply leave a message if the parent isn’t home:  ”Just phoning with some good news.  Johnny had a little reading test and went up a level today. Thanks for your help at home. It’s really paying off for Johnny!”

Now we routinely make these “reading phone calls” because:

1. Not only do we have purely positive news to share each time we phone (the child is moving forward in reading.)

2. But we also are able to help the parent become a better reading coach for their child. We pass on a little tip or two during the conversation that will help the parent support the child in some small way. For instance, we might remind them that following the reading of a book, they might ask their child to retell the story or answer a few comprehension questions. Or we might explain that we’ve pointed out to the child how to read with expression when a word is printed in italics or bold font. The kids become better readers when both parent and teacher focus on the same skills. Even parents who didn’t initially read with their children on a consistent basis began to do so after getting one or two of these phone calls!  The phone calls not only motivated the children to make progress in reading, it motivated the parents to make reading with their child a nightly habit!

These phone calls take time but I’m certainly convinced that they’re worth the effort. Like I said, when the parents then are faced with hearing about a behavior problem, they are more interested in working with us because they trust us from past experience. I don’t think I would ever consider writing or emailing home about problems.  Written words don’t always convey the teacher’s genuine concern for the child. We come across as more “human” on the phone!  In my experience phone calls get better results than writing.

On another mailring recently, I read a post from a teacher whose school gives awards to every child in the school––but in quite a different way than most do.  I asked her permission to reprint the idea here.  I thought it might interest those looking for genuine ways to acknowledge children, without the typical problems associated with awards (as we usually think of them.)

Here’s her post:
**************************************************************************************************************************************************
At our school we do not focus on academics at our end-of-the-year awards ceremony but instead on the positive character traits of each child. (We send home honor roll certificates (based on the year end average) inside the final report card envelopes.) At our final school awards ceremony each child in the school is given a character award based on what the teachers feel is the most positive character trait of that child. Each child is given individual attention. Almost every parent, both mother and father, as well as grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. show up for the awards ceremony to see what their child will receive.

It is really neat to see what each teacher chooses as the most unique character trait for each student. We do not talk to the teachers who had the child in the years before; we feel that if the child gets the same award more than one year, then this is simply confirmation of that gift in that child. Many different lists of character traits can be found quickly on the Internet.  Here’s just one example.

I tell my young students what their award is ahead of time and explain to them what it means. I have been at schools who do all academic awards and I highly recommend the character awards because every child is recognized and made to feel special.

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Kerry’s comments:

I am impressed with the care and individual attention that your school has chosen to give to every child so as to recognize the best in each one. I know that takes a lot of extra effort, but it is in taking that effort that every child feels honored in a sincere and meaningful way. As I mentioned on another thread, my school has chosen to no longer to give awards in the more typical ways because we found it led to unhealthy competition and comparisons among students and parents.

I think that the way in which your school has found to honor kids would not lead to the same sorts of competition we experienced because you aren’t “measuring” anything (the best at this or that, good at this or that etc.) You’re simply looking for something unique and special about each child that can be celebrated.  I love how you have decided to take the time to speak with each child ahead so that they truly understand the meaning behind the recognition you have given them.

I think that all schools hold the same intention as your school but I don’t think many schools have found a way to achieve that objective really well.  With your approach, since one character trait holds, either no more, or no less, value than another, there’s nothing to compare. Done in the genuine way that your school hands out these awards, it wouldn’t lead to the same sort of competitiveness or bragging that we experienced (where an “effort award” was considered less valuable than an “academic award” for instance.) I think that the success of your approach becomes obvious by the number of family members who turn up to witness their child receiving their character award.

I would think too that having such awards would encourage teachers to be looking at their students in a more positive way all year round because they would need to be actively looking for the GOOD in each one. Sometimes, with some students, it’s much easier to be focusing on the opposite. Your school’s emphasis must remind teachers that with those more challenging kids it’s doubly important to make the effort to see their positive points. Once a teacher is thinking along those lines, life improves for the child in the classroom too and they start to behave in the ways the teacher is expecting––the idea of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Today was my first time using DWS in the classroom.  I found it extremely difficult to break the habit of praising kids!  I want to encourage rather than praise, but it just seems that praising is second nature to me.

RESPONSE:

When first trying DWS in the classroom there’s much to think about––so don’t be too hard on yourself! Remember Dr. Marshall’s advice:  Implement now, perfect later!

Just do your best and as you go along keep reflecting on things you would like to improve or change. You’re already doing this!   Step by step, you’ll start to move in the direction of your goals.

Don’t worry too much about the praise issue in these early days with DWS.  If your intentions are to sincerely acknowledge your students (as opposed to intending to manipulate their behavior with praise,) then you won’t do any damage!

Years ago, when I first tried to move away from praise, the following article by Jan Hunt set my mind at ease. Perhaps it’ll do the same for you!

Praising Our Children: Manipulation or Celebration?

RESPONSE:
In thinking about how I might respond to your question, I re-read sections of Alfie Kohn’s book that Marv was referring to in a recent post.  Although in the following excerpt, Kohn is talking about verbal praise (in a section comparing praise to “words of encouragement,”) I think his suggestions apply to situations involving tangible rewards as well.

On page 106-107 of Punished by Rewards, Kohn says:

I propose… keeping in mind two general principles that might be thought of as the standards against which all praise should be measured.  The first principle is self-determination.  With every comment we make — and specifically, every compliment we give — we need to ask whether we are helping that individual to feel a sense of control over his life.  Are we encouraging him to make his own judgments about what constitutes a good performance (or a desirable action)?  Are we contributing to, or at least preserving, his ability to choose what kind of person to be?  Or are we attempting to manipulate his behavior by getting him to think about whether he has met our criteria?

The other principle is intrinsic motivation.  Are our comments creating the conditions for the person we are praising to become more deeply involved in what she is doing?  Or are they turning the task into something she does to win our approval?

To determine the likely effect of praise with respect o these two guidelines, we need to examine, first our own motives.  Are we trying to control someone’s behavior for our own convenience, or saying nice things just to have something to say, or hoping to get that person to like us more?  Second, we need to think about how our comments sound to the individual who hears them.  Our intent, for example, may be to offer useful feedback about the quality of someone’s work, but he may interpret what we say as limiting his autonomy…. people of any age can be observed for signs of resistance, dependency, or reduced interest.

Although I do think it is important to help students develop a desire to print with neatness and work with care, personally I choose not to give out stickers in recognition of neat work — for a couple of reasons.

I find that giving out stickers to only a portion of the students goes against the spirit of creating a special feeling of community in the classroom. I have found that a portion of the class usually become quite competitive whenever rewards are used as a way to encourage certain work habits.  I find that whenever competition takes over in the class, the overall sense of community suffers and so does the quality of learning that can occur.  I often have stickers in my room but when I hand them out, everyone gets one and it’s not connected to behavior in any way.  I simply incorporate them into the lesson or give them to the students for fun, for free time art work or to to use in the decoration of a project.

If I put myself into the shoes of the children, I can imagine several different reactions when stickers are offered as an incentive:

• Some kids might care very little for stickers and think that there’s no need to write neatly simply because they don’t want a sticker.
• Some of the more sensitive kids might be hurt or discouraged.  Does discouragement lead to better work in the future?
• Some may feel that they have already done the best job of which they are capable and so feel that it is impossible for them to ever get a sticker– why bother trying?
• Some may feel that they are “superior” to others in the class–because of being awarded a sticker.  To me, this is fostering a sense of pseudo self-esteem which makes me feel very uncomfortable.
• Some may feel motivated to do a better job next time because they are wanting a sticker rather than the focus the teacher was hoping to create — a sense of pride in their work.

As many researchers have pointed out, rewards change motivation.  With the DWS Hierarchy it is very easy to understand why this happens:

When students are focused on improving their work in order to feel a sense of pride in their accomplishments, then they are operating on Level D — the highest level of personal development.  When students are focused on improving their work in order to get a sticker from the teacher, their operation is at Level C.   If I hope to influence my students to aim for the highest level of operation, would it be productive to offer them an external incentive?  For me, the answer is very clear–offering stickers can actually limit many of my students, by encouraging them to aim for Level C.

Although rewards can motivate people to do what you want them to do, they motivate only in the short term — in other words they motivate only as long as the reward is forthcoming.  I’m sure that all teachers want to help their students gain lasting positive work habits.  In my experience such goals can’t be accomplished by taking shortcuts–it takes diligence, patience and persistence on the part of the teacher.  I want my students to write neatly and work carefully––whether or not I am handing out stickers.

QUESTION:

I have a 3rd grade student who is demonstrating increasingly 
disruptive behaviors. I have all kinds 
of support with him – my principal, school counselor, 
behavioral specialist – we’re all involved, every day. This boy can work elsewhere when he can’t manage in the classroom. My question is this: How do I 
teach the other students that it’s better for them to 
ignore this student’s behavior than to be an audience or worse yet, play along? I need some “choice 
words” to really explain it and underscore the importance of this.

They did a great job today and I complimented 
them on doing so after the student had been removed from the room. A couple of them asked me individually why that student wasn’t with us and I told them that when behaviors 
interrupt everyone’s learning time, it can’t be permitted to go on and that the student was with the principal. Any advice/good words to use?

RESPONSE:

For situations like this, I find a discussion centered around the understandings 
of Marvin Marshall’s Discipline Without Stress HIERARCHY to be invaluable. Even 
though you may not be familiar with Marshall’s approach, I think I could explain 
the basics of it enough for you to be able to use it in your current situation. You wanted some “choice” words to use. One of 
the principles that forms the basis of this approach is helping kids understand 
that all personal behavior is a choice.

In a nutshell, Marshall’s approach fosters SELF-discipline. This is exactly what I 
imagine you are hoping your students will develop with respect to managing 
their own behavior when faced with a classmate who is 
displaying very little self-discipline.

Marshall’s Hierarchy has four levels of personal/social development: 
Levels A, B, C, D.

Levels A (Anarchy) and B (Bossing/Bullying) describe unacceptable behavior in 
any situation.

Just as an example, 
currently your disruptive student is often choosing to operate (either consciously or non-consciously,) at these lower levels of A 
and B. In other words, he is not in control of himself and relies 
on an adult to take control of his behavior most of the time. Just as you 
explained to students in your class, whenever a person can’t manage their 
own behavior in an acceptable manner, then the adult has to take over and 
manage their behavior for them. In your case, the adults in the school have sometimes 
found it necessary to remove this child from the room in order to preserve the 
learning environment for all the other students. It’s only fair that the other 
students have the opportunity to learn in an orderly, safe classroom.

Here’s an important point from Marshall’s program for students to 
understand:

All behavior is a personal CHOICE. If any of them were to follow along and 
misbehave–by copying a disruptive student or even by just giving encouragement as an appreciative audience–they too would be CHOOSING to 
operate at a lower level than acceptable.

In discussing the situation, you would also talk about the other two levels, C 
(Cooperation) and D (Democracy), which describe HIGHER levels of 
personal and social development. Level C is acceptable. But then there is Level 
D, which describes something even higher than acceptable. You might think of 
it as exceptional, although Marshall doesn’t use that exact description in his program.

DwStress teachers use the Hierarchy to help students understand self-discipline. The key to the approach is to explain ALL the levels to students but focus 
especially on some important understandings related to the highest two levels, 
C and D.

The difference between Level C and D (that is, between acceptable and 
exceptional behavior), can be explained in terms of motivation:

At Level C, a student is motivated EXTERNALLY to behave themselves by 
cooperating, and by willingly conforming to the expectations of the adult—AS 
LONG AS THE ADULT IS PRESENT. In your situation, this would describe 
students who can manage themselves appropriately in the classroom (even 
though one child is being incredibly disruptive in front of them,) whenever they 
notice the teacher is nearby or directly looking their way.

This level is higher than Level B because (at least when the teacher is present 
and is watching,) the child operating at Level C is self-disciplined enough to do 
the right thing. Their motivation is external however. They are motivated to do the right 
thing, perhaps to please their teacher or because they realize that to do 
anything disruptive would only lead to getting into trouble themselves.

Level C is the expected level of behaviour in the classroom in Marshall’s system 
of discipline. It is the level of obedience. In all other discipline systems 
that I’ve seen, this level is considered the highest level of behavior, but not so 
in Marshall’s approach. Having a higher-than-acceptable level is what makes 
Discipline Without Stress unique.

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Level D is the level of taking responsibility for yourself. It is the level of SELF-
discipline. It is the level of doing the right thing simply because it is the right 
thing to do. In other words, students operating at Level D think for themselves. 
They consciously make CHOICES for themselves with the understanding that all 
behavior is a personal choice.

You might think of Level D as the level of following your own conscience. When 
operating from this highest level, a student does the right thing regardless of 
whether or not an adult is present. In your situation, this describes a student who 
notices that a fellow student has chosen to behave in inappropriate ways and yet 
is not influenced to follow along–whether the teacher is watching or not.

They decide for themselves that following along or giving encouragement to the 
disruptive student would only mean that their own behaviour was no better off 
than that of the disruptive student–they would no longer be in control of 
themselves – in fact, they would be ALLOWING THE DISRUPTIVE STUDENT TO BE IN CONTROL OF THEM.

When you complimented your class on being able to manage themselves when 
one student was losing control, you were actually acknowledging that they were 
either on Level C or D of Marshall’s Hierarchy. The interesting thing is that Level 
C and D behaviour usually looks identical to anyone watching. The only 
difference between these two levels is in WHY the person is MOTIVATED to act 
correctly.

Some of your students would have been on Level C—they were motivated to act 
appropriately because your presence motivated them 
(externally) to behave themselves. This is acceptable but it’s not the highest 
level of behaviour.

Some would likely have been operating on the higher level, Level D. They simply 
knew inside themselves that to follow or encourage the disruptive student would 
be inappropriate. In other words they were INTERNALLY motivated.They 
wouldn’t have followed along with or acted inappropriately–even if they 
were all alone in the room with him.

Here’s the conversation I have had with 
previous classes in similar situations.

Just as you did, when it came up, I would be quite candid in discussing that ____ is sometimes working elsewhere in the school. Just as you did, I would 
explain that his behavior is out of control at the moment and that he is 
showing little self-discipline. I would ask someone in the class to identify the 
Hierarchy level of this type of disruptive behavior. Any child in the class would 
be able to correctly identify it as either Level A or B. Then I would ask them to 
tell me what happens when someone chooses to operate at an unacceptable 
level–to the point where it interferes with other people’s learning. Someone 
would say that when a student continually operates at Level B, a teacher has to 
take over. A teacher has to be the boss and tell the person what to do.

I would agree and say that yes, that is what the current situation is. ____ 
has such little self-discipline at the moment, that the adults have decided that 
he needs to work somewhere else in the school so that others can still learn and 
he can be helped to learn some self-discipline. Hopefully, with some help, ____ 
will soon learn to control himself enough to be able to rejoin the class in an 
acceptable manner. Then he too, will be able to move forward in his schooling.

Then I would initiate a discussion about the behavior of EVERYONE ELSE in this 
situation. I would talk about how we all have a personal choice in how we 
respond to ____ and his lack of self-discipline. I would ask them to imagine 
some scenarios.

For example, I would say:

What if someone chose to follow along and copy ____? What level would that 
be? (B)

What if someone chose to encourage ____ by laughing or making other 
comments (B)

Would a person who chose to encourage ____, or be influenced into following ____, be self-disciplinedthemselves?

I would talk about how some people in this situation might follow or encourage 
____, thinking that it was ____’S FAULT that they were misbehaving. I would 
make sure that everyone understood that ____’s behaviour can only influence 
our own, if we allow that and if we have no self-discipline ourselves.

Then I would move to discussing higher level behavior, Level C and D. I would 
first get them to describe behavior at each of these levels. They would explain that at Level C, a student watching ____ and 
his antics, wouldn’t follow or encourage ____ because they see the teacher in 
the room and know that it wouldn’t be a good idea to act like ____ because then 
they’d be in trouble too.

I’d say, yes, that’s true. Level C is acceptable behaviour. They would be able to 
manage their own response to ____ because they’d be smart enough not to do 
something inappropriate themselves WITH A TEACHER WATCHING. We’d talk 
about how they were doing the right thing, but that they were relying on the 
presence of the teacher to influence them in how they chose to behave. The 
result would be that classroom atmosphere would remain fairly calm and we’d 
be helping ____ too because he would see what self-discipline looks like in the 
rest of us.

Then I’d remind them that both Level C and D are acceptable and I would ask 
them this:

If Level C is acceptable, how is Level D higher?

Then some child would be able to explain in their own words that Level D is 
higher because the person at Level D wouldn’t be influenced by ____’s antics–
EVEN IF THE TEACHER WASN’T WATCHING or even if the teacher wasn’t in the 
room at all. Regardless of whether the teacher was in the room or not, they 
wouldn’t follow or encourage misbehavior, simply because they know that that’s the 
right thing to do. They wouldn’t want to encourage ____ to act up because they 
would know that wasn’t helping ____. They wouldn’t follow ____because 
they wouldn’t want to sink to Level B behavior themselves.

Then we’d talk about the benefits of being self-disciplined and being internally 
motivated to do the right thing simply because it’s the right thing to do in the 
situation. We’d talk about HOW GOOD IT FEELS to be in control of yourself. 
We’d talk about how people who are self-disciplined can respect themselves. 
When people often operate at a high level, they understand that to sink down to 
a lower level and follow someone else’s misbehavior means that they would be part of the 
problem. What self-respecting person wants to think of themselves as a 
problem! It FEELS GOOD to respect yourself and think highly of your own 
behavior. Operating at Level D allows you to take great pride in yourself.

As I said, I have had this exact same discussion with my own class in previous 
years and I have many similar discussions EVERY DAY about the benefits of 
operating at a high level; about exactly what it looks like to operate on a high 
level in ordinary everyday situations.

Although this might sound as if it would be above the heads of primary 
students, it isn’t at all. I teach Kindergarten and grade one. I simply 
use vocabulary that young children will understand to get the points across.

Although this way of thinking about behavior and self-discipline is very new to 
most teachers, I sense from your question that you are already thinking along these 
same lines. I hope my own experiences with fostering self-discipline through 
Marvin Marshall’s Discipline Without Stress will be of value to you!

To make a long explanation short, the children begin this exciting trip by visiting a dig site on the beach where they excavate a variety of “dinosaur fossils.” These finds are then taken to the “Lab” (Darlene’s back yard!) to examine, identify, and use in a variety of activity stations. Ahead of time, we prepare for the day by strategically planting “fossils” in the sand. After showing ID tags that identify them as real paleontologists, the children enter the dig area, find their numbered site and carefully begin the process of excavating dinosaur fossils!

In preparation for this special day, we ask the children to come prepared by bringing some specialized equipment from home! Each one is asked to bring a spoon for digging and a small brush for removing sand. At school we provide them with a waist bag in which to keep their equipment and later, their fossils.

In any given year, there are always some children who are devastated on the morning of The Dig because they have forgotten to bring their “equipment.” And then, there are always those others who bring in enough for a whole class!

Well, this year, Greg, an enthusiastic student from a very supportive family, brought in a sample of every type of fossil-digging tool known to mankind! Not only did he have extra spoons and brushes to suit every possible type of fossil he might discover, he also had a little shovel and several blunt-ended, homemade wooden chisels! I didn’t know it at the time, but as we left the classroom and headed to the cars, he kindly lent Daniel–who had no special tools at all–a couple of his precious silver spray-painted chisels.

At the end of The Dig, just as we were lining up to make our way to the Dinosaur Lab, Daniel came to me. With great concern on his face, he explained that he no longer had Greg’s chisels–he had lost them! He knew it wasn’t right to leave the beach knowing he had lost Greg’s tools. He wanted to stay and search for them.

Now, Daniel is one of the more difficult children in our class. He has some severe emotional issues caused by Bipolar Disorder. Over the past six months of school, he has lost many friendships and desk partners because of his increasingly sullen, depressed attitude and sometimes, angry and annoying behavior.

I knew that it was very important to find the tools he had lost, not because Greg would be upset about not getting them back (Greg would be momentarily, but being a secure little boy, he would get over a little loss such as this quickly and easily,) but rather because Daniel desperately needed the experience of having a happy ending to a situation in which he had acted with great personal integrity.

So, despite the fact that all the other kids were lined up in the heat and would have to wait a bit, I offered to go back and help him look for the tools he had lost. Luckily, the dig sites were well-delineated and the children had spent most of the time in their own areas. After a minute or two of sifting through sand, I finally found first one, and then the other chisel. (Thank goodness!)

While digging through the sand, I had the opportunity to chat with Daniel and use some reflective questions to help him think positively about this seemingly negative situation. I began by asking him to identify the level of behavior of someone who had borrowed something special from a friend, lost it, but then would not leave the area until he had made every possible attempt to find it.

He identified that this was Level D. Without expecting (or receiving) a response out loud, I asked him to think about that.  How did he feel inside when he displayed such a high level of behavior? I gave him a word to describe the character trait he had shown–integrity. I asked him to think about the type of relationship he was creating with Greg by showing such a high level of integrity.

The next day, I took some time to talk to Daniel again. This time I brought out our DwStress Hierarchy. We talked about the different types of relationships that people create with others by operating on the various levels. We began with the lowest levels and talked about how people operating down at A and B don’t create very positive relationships. I asked how people operating at a low level would respond if they had lost a borrowed tool at the beach. He said that they would just walk away and not bother to look for it at all.

I had to help him with Level C, but in the end we came up with this: A person operating from external motivation might wait until either a teacher or another child made them look for the lost item. The relationship that they created would be only “so-so.” The person from whom they had borrowed the tool would be happy to have it back but would also remember that the person they had loaned it to wasn’t all that concerned about having lost it–at least not concerned enough to take the initiative to start looking for it without being asked.

Then we went on to Level D. Of course, from our conversation the previous day on the beach, Daniel knew that he had been operating on the highest level that day. We talked about what Greg would be thinking about as he watched Daniel, obviously concerned about having lost the chisels–so concerned that he would not leave the beach until they had been found.

We talked about how Daniel, through his actions, had built a sense of trust with his friend. I asked, “Would Greg be willing to lend you something else on another day? Why?” Of course, Greg would remember the beach experience and would feel that he could trust Daniel to return any item that he borrowed.

I explained to Daniel that by his high level of behavior on the beach, he had developed a sense of trust, not only with Greg but also with his two teachers, other kids in the class and even parents who had noticed the whole situation. Many people at the beach had witnessed his integrity that day. They had seen that he was a person who could be trusted because he had owned up to losing something, and then tried to find it. I said that I, for one, would be happy to lend him anything he needed, simply because I knew I could trust him to return it.

We also talked about that despite having had the desire to find Greg’s chisel that day, it might have turned out that the chisel couldn’t be found–things can easily get lost in so much sand. Even if that had occurred though, it wouldn’t have changed the fact that Daniel had acted on the highest level. Greg would have still known that Daniel was an honest person, full of integrity, because he had taken responsibility for having lost the tools and had the sincere intention of looking until he found them. In that case, his honest intentions would have been more important than the chisels in the long run.

With so much writing here, it might seem as if this was a huge deal, but of course, it wasn’t. It was just one small incident; barely noticeable to others but potentially powerful to one small child. These type of small character-building experiences are why I absolutely love teaching with the DwStress Hierarchy!

One little girl in our class this year, Della, is showing escalating signs of emotional disturbance–and no wonder.  Della’s had an extremely difficult life so far–far more difficult than anything I’ve ever experienced. Sadly, because of the anger and pain Della has had to deal with in her family life, she is frequently quite cold or even mean in her comments to the other students. Although very articulate and bright, she often speaks impulsively and with no regard for the feelings of other people. Her classmates do their best to live with her and be kind but sometimes her sharp tongue is just too much for them to handle.

Such was the case when I returned to the classroom after lunch, last Tuesday. There was Sarah, at the door waiting for me. A very sweet child who is always smiling, she seemed near tears and was obviously worried. She explained that Della was going to “tell on her” and that she “didn’t do it!”

I didn’t bother to find out any more details.  I believed Sarah.  She’s never given me one moment of trouble and I knew I could trust that she was telling me the truth. If she told me that she “didn’t do it”, I knew that she didn’t–whatever IT was!

I took her over to our DISCIPLINE without STRESS Hierarchy chart and asked her to show me the level where she generally operated. She pointed to D.  I said, “Sarah, you’re right. You generally always operate at C or D.”  Then I went on to ask her about what kind of relationships students who operate at the higher levels build with their teachers? She was able to answer “Good,” which doesn’t really say it all, but I knew she understood what I was talking about. (We’ve been talking a lot about this topic lately. A couple of weeks ago we had an outbreak of snapped pencils and deliberately broken pencil tips.  On several occasions we have had classroom conversations about people being trusted with classroom items that are intended for the use of all.)

Then I elaborated for her. I said, “You’re right, Sarah. When people operate at the higher levels, it means that other people come to trust them. If, day in and day out, you are behaving yourself and being honest, teachers come to know that they can count on you to do the right thing and to tell the truth.”

“Now, what do you think, Sarah? If someone tells an untrue story about you–and you tell me that you didn’t do it–will I be able to believe you?” She nodded yes and I said, “That’s right, Sarah. You have shown me day after day that I can trust you, so if you tell me you didn’t do it, I can easily believe you. That’s one of the great things about operating on a high level–other people trust you.  You don’t need to worry that someone could get you in trouble for something you didn’t do.”

And with that, the look of worry on her face completely disappeared.  Appearing quite relieved, she went off to her seat.

I love that Hierarchy!

RESPONSE FROM TANIS CARTER
Shared on the DISCIPLINE without STRESS Mailring:

Take heart! You are well on your way to accomplishing your goal of using acknowledgments since you have already started thinking about how you phrase your comments. I can certainly empathize with you. Sometimes, it seems to be an automatic reaction to say “Good job!”–just for the sake of saying something!

Using acknowledgments instead of praise is something that I have been working on for many, many years, and it was not until I started using DISCIPLINE Without STRESS that I really grasped the significance of it. We want to instill in the children, a desire to work for themselves, not just for the “Good job!” they get from their teacher. We want them to feel proud of themselves–not just be motivated to make their teacher proud.

I think of it this way: Changing praise into an acknowledgement is nothing more than a ‘twist’ in thinking, a small adjustment in how we phrase things. Instead of heaping on praise and ‘tying’ the child to us by encouraging them to want to please us, we readjust our thinking and bring to their attention, things that they are successful at–and then we let them make their own judgments. Instead of saying ” I am so proud of you, what a good boy you have been,” readjust a bit and say something like, “I noticed you worked very hard on that assignment, how do you feel about it?”

Your example, “Look at these students who have been C and D all week. I’m so proud of you guys for following directions,” can be adjusted slightly to something like, “I noticed so many of the children acting at Level C and Level D in our classroom this week. Thank you, we appreciate that! How has that helped our class?”

I try to tell students what I noticed, and then allow them to feel within themselves, the satisfaction of a job well done. It’s as if I am giving them the facts, but allowing them their own interpretation of those facts.

Here are some specific examples:

Fact from the teacher:
You children lined up without any delay today when it was time to go to Music class.
Children’s Interpretation:
We can line up without delay. We are successful at managing how we line up.

Fact from the teacher:
I noticed you sat at the carpet today without making one noise to bother another person.
Child’s Interpretation:
I can sit on the carpet and manage myself.

Facts from the teacher:
When you were outside on the playground yesterday you said you were at Level B because you were bothering another child. Today you went out and played without bothering anyone! What level do you think that is? (C or D) Wow, how did you manage that today? How do you feel about that?
Child’s Interpretation:
I can raise my behavior level all by myself. I can be successful at playing without bothering someone. I am a capable child. I feel good about myself.

As an aside, but tied to this:
With the DISCIPLINE without STRESS system we can accept, love, and teach every child, realizing it is just their behavior that gets in the way sometimes. With this discipline system, we do not have to pull away the praise when a child is choosing inappropriate behavior–because we are not relying on praise to control them.

Instead, we are teaching young people to take responsibility for acting in appropriate ways. The message we want to convey is that we will accept, love, and teach them–regardless of their current level of behavior.